Me, Myself, and the Kardashians

By Dara K.

Would I take offense if the entire fiasco that was the Kardashian-Humphries wedding/divorce were revealed to had been deliberately planned? Yes. But more in the way that I would screen Kim’s calls, only reply “K” to her texts, and aggressively passive aggressively say “I’m just really in hurry, Kim,” when I run into her at the salon where we both get our fake lashes surgically implanted.

That’s because Kim could, like, maybe be my best friend. Well, I’d probably be Kourtney and Khloe’s best friend and Kim would be more like our sister we roll our eyes about because the girl doesn’t know how to have fun!

Who really knows if some day I will be a well-known extra in a Kardashian spin-off. I’ll help Scott make flashcards about Judaism in case Kourtney grills his knowledge on it. I’ll stay behind from the opening of a new Kardashian tossed-salad to-go joint to watch Mason. I’ll tell Kim to get over herself, thereby almost destroying our friendship, but then Kourtney and Khloe will intervene by somehow tricking us to show up at a weird Ping Pong bar at the same time where we realize even though we annoy each other, we’re just like sisters. And we need each other. 

It’s kind of like how all those poor people still vote Rebuplican. We shouldn’t tax the rich because I might just be that rich some day! And even though it’s just a tiny shred of hope, it bears the most weight. It directs every other shred in your being to go along for the ride. It’s the reason I think I would be the missing piece at the Kardashian-Jenner dinner table and be the perfect companion on a road trip with Kourtney, Khloe, and Kim where I’d accidentally include some voice memos of me talking to myself on my iPod playlist and we’d all have one of those great Kardashian laughs and Khloe would make fun of me to the point of verbal abuse, and I’d run away to a staircase nobody knows exists except me and…my best friends…Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe, who are waiting there for me. In one small look, Khloe’s eyes will tell me all I need to know about how sorry she is. And while I rest my head on Kim’s shoulder, Kourtney will say something monotone like, “Sorry, Khloe can be retarded.”

So, no, as a Kardashian, I’m not upset about a fixed wedding or retroactive scenes on the show to make ourselves look better in the scheme of things…because it’s just not true. Trust me. I know. I’m a Kardashian.

17 January 2012 ·

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